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To Turn a Phrase: Killing Two Birds With One Stone

photo by mikebaird

I am an efficient man. I like to get things done and I want to get them done in the best way possible. I don’t have time to loaf around or dilly-dally (what an awkward and ridiculous word THAT is…makes me want to punch a Frenchman). For example, if I want to recycle more and I also want to get drunk, there is an easy solution: drink a whole bunch of beer. Some would say that is irresponsible. Some would say I am going green. There are even some who would say that I am killing two birds with one stone.

I think this whole killing-two-birds-with-one-stone business is kind of cruel. Now I am not a member of PETA (because I have a thing called a soul), but why are people all about bird killing? What did the bird ever do to you? Did they steal your girlfriend or something? It’s not even just one bird, but two birds you seem to have a vendetta against. Were they conspiring against you at some point to steal your kidneys? Birds are beautiful and graceful creatures who shower love and peace onto our world…

…oh wait I forgot about one species of bird that deserves to be killed. Geese. Well, more specifically, Canadian geese should all die and rot in the cesspools of Hell. They like to visit my campus and proceed to poop all over the place, especially where I walk. Then these little punks proceed to honk and hiss at me when I walk by their stupid little groups. They hiss for Christs sake! They are like some kind of demonic bird/snake hybrid with their serpent-like necks and incessant hissing. When I see them walk around campus, I imagine how much better they would look boiled in a pot.

Alright so I want to get rid of these pieces of trash, but I don’t think a rock is going to cut it. Have you ever tried killing a large animal with a rock? It is pretty difficult and may lead to serious injury or death. I tried pebbles on a cougar one time, but it had no effect and she proceeded to pick up her kids from daycare. You could do some pretty serious damage with a boulder, but who has a boulder just lying around nowadays? Good luck lifting that thing too.

No, there are much more efficient ways to kill two birds, or in my case a whole lot of birds. Why use a stone when you can take them out with something with a little more accuracy and firepower? I think that is much more efficient than using a dumb stone, making the phrase even dumber. Lets see how those geese stand up to a semi-automatic machine gun or my trusty flamethrower. I wonder if they can fly away from a helicopter with turrets blasting on both ends. Heck, even a broadsword is more efficient than using a puny little stone, plus you will look like a bad ass.

So in conclusion, killing two birds with one stone is cruel and inefficient. If you want to kill a few birds (Canadian geese) then you are better off using something with a little more “oomph.” Why kill two birds with one stone when you can take out a whole lot of them with an AK-47? That’s what I thought…

Robbie Michaelson, Managing Editor Pierce Arrow
Pierce Arrow Blogger

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