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Robbie Michaelson ~ To Turn a Phrase: Happy as a Clam

When something makes me really happy, like a conga line of asian bikini models with handfuls of beef jerky suddenly bursting into my room while I write a blog post, there are quite a few ways to express my joy towards the occasion. I could say that I am filled with joy, I could say that I am ecstatic,  or I could say that I am happy as a clam.

Why do people continue to say this? Clams are in no way happy creatures. They can’t tell people this, but deep down in my heart I know they are suffering. I can feel their pain, like the way a hippie feels pain when a tree gets chainsawed in front of them, except I am actually a legitimate human being. Being a clam sucks because every aspect of their lives is filled with misery and failure.

Lets take a close look at a clam now shall we? You will first notice that they hide in shells like a bunch of pansies. Thats right, this animal is so pathetic that it can’t even show itself to the outside world. It is so ashamed of its inadequacy that it hides inside its little protective shell. Thats why I like to think of clams as the emo kids of the sea, they hide themselves from society because they know that nobody likes them.

Now if you open up the shell around these disgusting lifeforms you will behold a hideous sight. The inside of a clam looks like it got beat with, not just one, but a whole army of ugly sticks. It is just a nasty blob with nasty stuff oozing around nasty organs. Well, it doesn’t really have many organs, but luckily it has an anus because it needs to be that much more disgusting. It has ONE foot to anchor itself and slowly move around with and no eyes, but that may be a good thing so they can’t see how pathetic they are.

So clams are gross and ugly, but beauty isn’t everything right? Well that may be true, but clams are pretty much the wimpiest animals I can think of. Its strategy for defense is to sit around and pray that it won’t be chosen to be eaten. Those shells may be hard, but guess what? There are plenty of animals who are designed to devastate a clam’s pathetic defenses. I bet a clam’s shell isn’t that great against a shark looking for a midnight snack. I mean even otters figured out that they can just bash the crap out of the shell and just go to town on the insides. Otters are pretty wimpy animals and being beat by an otter makes you beyond pathetic.

Clams are even beat out by other similarly useless bivalves as well. I mean, at least oysters can create beautiful pearls that people actually find valuable. Nobody wants an ugly pearl from a clam because, compared to an oyster’s, they are absolute trash. It’s like the oysters can offer Rolexes while the clam can only give out those little plastic watches you find in those 50 cent machines in grocery stores.

What can a clam do with its life? Its only options are to stay in one place and lead a miserable existence or use its weak little foot to move to another place and lead a miserable existence. They can’t even have sex with each other (although really I don’t think that is even an option considering how unattractive they are) and are forced to eject their egg and sperm randomly into the sea. The closet thing a clam can get to any action is when their shells are used to cover the chest of mermaids, but sadly they are already dead by then. They don’t even get to meet their offspring, although that may also be a good thing because they will just be depressed that they created even more misery by continuing their specie’s existence.

Luckily there is one thing that clams are good for: food. Clams are only useful when they are dead, fried, and put next to my fries on a plate. That is the best a clam can offer with its life, something to go along with my french fries. I bet if a clam knew of this it would probably make them more depressed, but luckily they are dumb and don’t realize how useless they are.

So there is no way a clam can be happy. When a person says that they are happy as a clam, I am just going to assume that they don’t know anything about clams or just hate themselves. Why not say that you are as happy as a crocodile? Being a crocodile would rule because nobody would mess with you and you get to chill out in swamps all the time. I would certainly be happy if I were to be reborn as a crocodile, but if I were reborn as a clam I would find some way to end my life. Life sucks for clams and if any joy can be found in their lives it is the hope for a quick death.

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